Sarcasm, Spice and Everything Nice

Everyday things with a dash of sarcasm!

Facebook: The drug — August 28, 2013

Facebook: The drug

Dosage: Take in small doses.  Try not to use after midnight.

Warnings: Do not take with copious amounts of alcohol.

                  Do not use in extreme emotional situations.

                  Not for use of children under the age of 12.

Side effects: Distorted world view.

                      Candy Crush Hysteria.

                      Envy and jealousy of others.

                      Baby/wedding picture overdose induced nausea.

                      May cause you to have employment issues if used frequently in an office settings.

BOOBIES! — July 5, 2013

BOOBIES!

Lately, they are everywhere in music video world.  OK they have always been everywhere in music videos, but until this last month they have at least been covered (and I use that description loosely). There are endless versions of monokinis, pasties, even tassels, but all of a sudden any kind of boobcessory is left in the closet on a very tiny hanger. First Robin Thicke with “Blurred Lines” and now Justin Timberlake with “Tunnel Vision“, the new trend in videos is chicks in thongs…just thongs.  My stance is this: I agree with the artists of yore and think the female form is a beautiful thing but that doesn’t mean that I want to twenty sets of nipples in a MUSIC video.   How soon before the teeny tiny thongs are left in the dressing rooms as well?

On the flip side, if I were a hot singer and could have anyone I want doing anything I ask them to do in a video, I probably would, but these dudes are married.  The only boobies that should be bouncing around them should be those attached to their respective wives.  Might I add that their wives are no slouches when it comes to looks… so listen boys you should be looking to your very hot cows at home if you want some milk.  Perhaps these pretty boys (because boy are they pretty) feel that having sweater muffins on full display in their videos will grow their male fan base.  Newsflash Robin and Justin, the XY set does not hear you because you have been put on mute while they are enjoying your “artistic vision.”

On the flipped flip side, music videos have been around since 1981.  I’m sure anything that can be done, HAS been done at some point whether or not it went mainstream.  But have creative people become too lazy? Have big ticket acts simply decided to cut back when it comes to the wardrobe budget?  Did Paris, Kim and all the other sex tape stars just need a good soundtrack to be shown on YouTube?  These artists may be pushing the envelope of decency and dancing on the FCC’s last nerve, but are they really making good videos?  I would have to say no. It doesn’t take much thought to put Q-tips with nipples in to a pair of stilletos and a nude thong and have then walk in and out of the camera’s field of view.   BUT, any press is good press and when it’s reported that YouTube refuses to show your video, people are going to want to see it to find out what the fuss is all about.

Here’s an idea, one that definitely goes against the mainstream.  For Justin or Robin’s next video, have THEM dancing around in a nude speedo….on second thought, nevermind.

Bomber #2 captured in Boston — April 19, 2013
Dear Boston Bomb Maker…. — April 15, 2013

Dear Boston Bomb Maker….

Dear Mr. Bomb Maker,

I hope you are happy.  No, really. I hope that while you are sitting all comfy somewhere watching the news you have a smile on your face.  I hope you feel proud of what you have accomplished.  Here’s the thing, I don’t care what country you are from, what God you believe in or even if your a Yankees fan.  I don’t care that you were tricky enough to place more than 3 bombs in an area with super high security.  I don’t care what drove you to commit such a deed. I don’t, really. 

What I do care about? 

The small army that worked tirelessly to make sure everyone enjoyed the Marathon experience.  The thousands of runners who gave their blood, sweat and tears (literally) to accomplish something most never even dream of. The Newtown families in the grandstands that have faced two tragedies within the space of a few months that no one person should have to face, ever.  The innocence of a city celebrating patriotism and the human spirit.  The 8 year-old that won’t experience the joy of another school vacation.

But what do I care about most of all Mr. Bomb Maker? 

Simple…I care about you. 

I hope that you are comfortable in the thought that you will get away with this.  You think you are smart, but Boston and her nation are smarter.  Boston has been around a long time because we are a resilient and determined city.  We are not a city to be messed with.  So I hope you are enjoying the fruits of your labor, because it’s only a matter of time before we find you.    And when that time comes you won’t be comfortable and you surely will not be smiling.  

“Our Father”-Pope Francis Remix — March 14, 2013

“Our Father”-Pope Francis Remix

Our Francis, Who is a Jesuit

Jorge be his name

Thy time has come

Thy lungs be one

and your age is a quite advanced one

 

Gone is the day of the bus commute

and you cooking your own suppers

because now you have a popemobile and at least one butler.

And do not follow your successor

by wearing Prada slippers. Amen

 

Dear God, I quit! — February 11, 2013

Dear God, I quit!

Today it was announced that the Pope is retiring.  I have so many questions about this.  Doesn’t Benny (we are on a nickname basis) remember the bar set by John Paul II? JPII couldn’t hold his own head up and spoke in a mumbled  language only understood by his boss and Mayor Menino, yet he still served as pope.  Then Benny says his age means he lacks strength to do his job.  (Begin the trivializing of the Papacy HERE).  Really Benny?  You wear PJ’s and slippers all day, get driven around in a bubble car, you drink wine daily and your Boss is never around to check on you.    Seems like that’s a pretty cushy job if I do say so myself.

Perhaps he is “sick” of listening to everyone whine and complain about those trivial things like disease, famine and Rhianna and Chris Brown.  Hearing all of that day in and day out would make me want to stay in my PJs and have a drink of wine….waaaaait a second.  Not to mention the fact that he is the first Pope in 600 years (OK its really 598 years, but I rounded up) to resign.  Oh poor Benny, what is troubling you so much that didn’t effect dozens of your predecessors? Incense allergies? Gout? We may never know.  Perhaps he just took the job for the benefits!

After he retires, does he still get Papal protection like ex-presidents still have secret service?  Where does he retire to?  Boca? An in-law apartment at the Sistine Chapel?

And how does one quit being God’s second in command?  I’m pretty sure you can’t pray in Times New Roman with letterhead.

The BLIZZARD OF 2013 ACCORDING TO: — February 7, 2013
Inconvenient Convenience — July 6, 2012

Inconvenient Convenience

As a treat to myself, I was going to buy tickets to see Totem by Cirque du Soleil. See, I have been slightly obsessed with the troop since going to see Alegria in high school.  Whenever they are in town, and not sold out (ala Michael Jackson), I do my darndest to get tickets.   The last time I went I must have been blissfully unaware of the “fees” associated with buying tickets online. And the time before that Cirque was offering a 1/2 off deal so I didn’t mind paying fees.

So call me unpleasantly surprised when I go to look for tickets, convince myself that $63 (student/military rate) for a side view isn’t that bad and proceed to purchase.  I literally scoffed out loud when I saw that fees totalled $25 for 2 tickets and they had the audacity to label that highway robbery as “convenience fees.” Nope. Sorry. Nothing convenient about that.

Let’s start with the E-Ticket fee.  They are charging me $5 to use MY printer and MY ink and MY paper to print something that a computer spits out and sends? Um no.  Remember the good ol’ days when E-tickets were free, but you were still willing to pay the fee to have hard tickets mailed to you? At least then there was a chance that you were supporting the envelope stuffers of the world, not anymore.

And then there is the $9.50 charge PER ticket under the header “convenience fees.” And oddly enough, when you click on it, there is no description/itemizing of what the “fees” cover.  Perhaps they use “convenience” in the sense that the fee is a convenient way to make the Cirque executives richer or it is a convenient way to price out poor schmucks like me.  [Somehow the Italics are not suitable in conveying my snarkiness]

Needless to say, I closed out the purchase window right quick.

A walking Edible Arrangement — July 2, 2012

A walking Edible Arrangement

A question for all of the dogs owners out there: After you shower and get dressed, does your dog have an increased olfactory and salivary attraction to you (i.e. do they lick off your lotion and smell you like you are the only source of oxygen)?  That just went to a totally creepy place I hadn’t planned on visiting.

ANYWAY…

Seriously though, perhaps I am just a naturally tasty treat but every time I shower and put on lotion, I turn in to a doggie lollipop. And it’s not just with my dogs, it’s with other dogs I have babysat as well.

So this got me thinking, I swear my lotion isn’t beef scented so what’s the deal? Then the other day in the shower I realized, a human (especially a female) getting out of the shower is basically a ginormous array of doggie scratch-n-sniff.  Think about it. My shampoo smells like lemongrass, my soap is lavender, my shave cream is olive oil based, my hand lotion is orchid, my deodorant brings to mind a spring breeze and my body lotion is coconut lime. If you’re a guy, I assume that almost all of your body products have the scent of “mountain air” or  “cool musk”…aka boring to a dog.  But at the same time you’re kind of lucky because you are limited in the “manly scent” department, so you don’t have to spend 25 minutes sniffing bottles of product in the CVS aisle to find one that tickles your fancy.

When you walk by your dog, he probably perks up a moment and then thinks “Tasted that yesterday, not worth getting up….zzzz.”  But when I walk by my pups they get a lelavenoilchidbrime bouquet.  It’s like releasing someone with a sweet tooth in a Baskin Robbins, they don’t know where to start first.  Sadly, they must be slightly disappointed when all they taste is glycerin, tocopherol, linalool and hydrolized milk protein…then again I guess the combined flavors of unpronounceable compounds might be a step up from poop.

The Church of public transportation — June 13, 2012

The Church of public transportation

Have you ever noticed that the movements of people boarding and leaving a train resemble the movements of people arriving at or leaving church? If not perhaps your coffee has yet to kick in. The most obvious example is the commuter rail.

People arrive at the train station and then walk down a loading platform to find a place to sit among the bench seats

In church, people arrive at their place of worship and walk down an aisle to find a place to sit among bench seats (pews)

 

Once seated the rider takes out reading material, closes their eyes or makes small talk with their neighbors.

Once seated the church goer takes out their missal or Bible, closes their eyes or makes small talk with their neighbors.

 

When the voice from above (announcer) speaks everyone quiets down to listen ( except for a few rambunctious teens)

When the voice from above (pastor/priest) speaks everyone quiets down to listen ( except for a few rambunctious teens)

 

In both, people tend to mouth their own words

 

When exiting the train you must wait for the riders from the bench in front of you to leave

When the service is over you wait for the pew in front of you to empty

 

As you leave the train, you may sneak by the engineer/conductor, say a quick thank you or stop and talk

Ditto with the “man of God”

 

So what am I trying to say with all this?!

Riding the Boston rails can sometimes make you a religious person as in: Dear God, please don’t let me kill these people or Dear God, please let me get there in one piece).