Tag Archives: Christmas

Dec9

Christ was born on Christmas Day

Posted on by
Christ was born on Christmas Day

Stating the obvious, right?  Negative on that one Ghostrider.  By no means am I a Bible-thumping, Word preaching, habit-wearing Catholic, but I have an issue with improper Mangering (which is a word I invented and means: the act of setting up a Christmas Manger).  I don’t care what religion you are or if you”believe” but it’s simple, Christ was born on CHRISTMAS DAY.  We only hear that phrase about a gazillion times when we listen to Christmas music.  Christmas DAY. Not December 2nd. Not the second Tuesday of December. Christmas Day! So why do people feel it’s normal to put the baby in the cradle before he was born?

As far as I can tell, even though we don’t know the exact date, no where does it say that Christ was a preemie!  So what if the Kings and the lambs and even the annoying little drummer boy are staring at an empty cradle?!  They waited long enough, they can wait a couple more weeks!  And now a days its normal for expectant parents to have the nursery set up long before baby’s arrival, so why are Mary and Joe any different?  People come ON! I even saw a church that had baby Jesus already chillin’ in his straw cradle, um HELLO? Idiots.  And don’t even get me started on people that would bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh to a BABY! Are they trying to make him a blinged out hippie? Give the poor kid one of your scarves or robes to sleep in, not a thorny bush and some cold metal.

P.S. I don’t care if you have to keep Baby Christ in your front hall or behind the Manger, but until Christmas Day arrives that kid better not be in his crib!

 

Dec20

Grandma is dead and his Mom is a tramp…

Posted on by
Grandma is dead and his Mom is a tramp…

Here’s a thought…Christmas Carols are from Satan. Well maybe not penned by the evil master himself, but if you really listen to some of the carols there are some sick and twisted messages. Two prime examples: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. At first listen they are the songs of old we all grew up with. But have you ever actually LISTENed to the words. My aim is not to ruin them for you but I find it funny that we or rather I had never realized what we were lip syncing for all these years.

So first we’ll look at Grandma. She’s sloshed out of her mind off of spiked egg nog when all of a sudden she forgot her heart pills and heads out into the storm. Well of course no one else in the trailer home think to go for her or follow her so what happens? Well of course she gets run over by reindeer!! Then Gramps returns to drinking and debating on opening her gifts (which were probably a heating pad, rolling pin and liniment). Way to be in the Christmas spirit guys! But hey at least they believe in a jolly old guy that surrounds himself with midgets and at least one reindeer with a nuclear schnoz.

Now we move to adultery and its effect on children. Ah, the good times. So this little brat of a kid decides he is going to sneak downstairs and razor blade open some gifts (I’m taking some liberties here). What does he find but his mommy dearest making out with some bearded stranger in a red velour pimp suit. And what does this disturbed child do but sit there and ogle his mom tickling the strange man. Because that is normal. I’m thinking that this kid knows what’s best for Christmas and he has a plan. If he is smart he’ll take pictures and every December 1st mail them to Santa in an unmarked manila envelope as a reminder of his tarnished image and the kid will be set for life. Coal for Santa, Lexus for lil Timmy.

True, Grandma could have left her glasses in her trailer with her medicine and got lost and perhaps Timmy’s mom and dad were looking to add some fun to their dull, loveless marriage, but really folks? I think we all know what’s going on here. These are blatant confessions of true events! Personally, I think Dominic the Christmas Donkey knocked over Grandma and took Mrs. Claus hostage forcing Santa to hit up Timmy’s mom for extra carrots! I’m a genius!

Dec1

Blink and it will be Christmas….

Posted on by
Blink and it will be Christmas….

Already it seems like Thanksgiving was 300 days ago and that Christmas is in 3 days. It’s sad really. What happened to the time when we couldn’t wait for Christmas to come? When the anticipation for the tree and gifts and feast seemed too much to bear? Would we make it? Now all of that wonder has been replaced by stress, anxiety and packed malls. But here is my theory. Time is not moving faster. Try wrapping your mind around that one! But seriously….information is moving faster not time.

Ads are everywhere. It seems that Christmas trees are in the stores on July 5th and out of the store on Dec 20th, that fruitcakes have gone the way of the dodo (not that anyone misses THAT tradition) and that instead of the thought you put into gifts what really matters is the price. But I digress…five years ago there were no phones with ads on them, no video billboards on (and IN) cabs and we were all a little happier. So in the spirit of recapturing the childhood joy of Christmases past (and in honor of a Dr. Seuss themed baby shower over the weekend), here is my view of the ad infestation…

I will not view them on a train
I despise to see them in a plane.
I will not have them on my cell.
I wish they all would go to hell.
I mute commercials all the time,
to make every politician be a mime.
I would rather ride a bucking bronco
Than see one more Lexus with a bow.
I’d rather have back my Christmas cheer
Than stand in line for Uggs footwear
I miss when Santa did exist
cuz now traditions are dismissed.
To these feelings I hold steadfast
Oh how I miss Christmases past…

May7

Time to take down the Xmas decorations!

Posted on by
Time to take down the Xmas decorations!

It’s sunny, 65 degrees, there are leaves on the trees, flowers in the garden and pollen covering my car….but there are still Christmas wreathes on doors!  I don’t get it.  I can’t comprehend why people leave their wreathes and lights up forever.  It’s one thing if it’s the end of February and you are still clinging to the memories of Christmas past, but when even Santa is on the beach getting a tan….you need to move on.

So needless to say I was more than slightly irked when I was driving yesterday and saw at least 2 houses with wreathes.  And it’s not like I was driving for 3 hours, this was over the course of about 3 miles.  Now, wreathes are usually hung on your front door. A door you use to go in and out of your house once, if not many times, each day.  A door that you have people coming in and out of.  Well pooh on these guests for not drawing your attention to what is clearly a holiday decorating taboo and pooh on you for being so freakin’ oblivious. 

One of the afore mentioned houses had dried out evergreen wreaths on all of it’s front windows.  It was like  a Christmas graveyard. one match and that house is going UP.  Sure, leave up the real wreathes to get your money out of the expensive tree branch, but once they become skeletons of their former selves….give it up…now you are just lazy.

I would do all of these people a favor and take down their decorations for them at night, like a little gnome.  Of course then they would call the police because there is a strange girl all in black “vandalizing” their property and it would just get ugly.  So if this irks you as much as me, grab a friend and knock on the offenders door and offer politely to remove their decorations.  I just wouldn’t recommend doing it at night….