Words…my way
24 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Real Definition: a process of cultural assimilation
Amanda’s Definition: What happens when you get impregnated by a member of the Jersey Shore.
Used in a sentence:
“What it is Dr.”
“Well Myra, it seems that you have been Italianated by the Situation.”
“Oy Vey”
Champagne in a Guinness Glass
15 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Yup, it was that kind of day/night. It all came to a head around 5:30. I was leaving to meet Erica for dinner at the nines in Woburn. Thanks to Sunday night traffic I made it there early so I decided to play my own version of beat the clock and run in to TJ Maxx. I’m out of the car at 5:45, mall closes at 6, the same time as my dinner appointment. Alas, TJs didn’t have what I wanted, and if they did there was no way I was waiting in line. Hustle back to the car, it’s 5:54. My car battery…”What is DEAD for $200 Alex?” That’s right, were talking the Jeep is giving me gatz. Luckily the restaurant was across the street and unluckily it’s the coldest night yet. To get from Point A to Point B I need to cross one of the busiest streets in Woburn while wearing dark jeans and a black thigh length coat. Poor Man’s Frogger. Luckily when I sat down Erica and I decided that we would go for happy options instead of healthy options and we enjoyed red meat.
Check came and so did the call to AAA. The dispatcher tells me they will call when they are 5 minutes away, which made me think they were more or less close. But I was WRONG. After asking the window of waiting I was looking at, Joanne informed me they have to meet me before an hour and a half is expired. That statement right there doesn’t really give me much hope. Anyway, we waste time and go to Lowe’s, this is when the omen appears. Out of 3,001 extension cords, Erica chooses the one that costs (with tax) $6.66. Yup, my luck had now rubbed off on Erica. The cashier was so freaked out by the total that when I jokingly asked him to take $.01 off, HE DID. Off we went with her $6.65 extension cord.
Back to the parking lot. After 20 minutes in rolls a tow truck. No call, nothing. Joe jumps out, missing teeth but with a great handshake, and uses a handy dandy machine to jump me my truck instantly. I decide to let the charge sink in and wait another 5 minutes in Erica’s car. Get in my car to go home, praying that I don’t hit a long light. And “ding,” “tire low” light comes on. Now I know it’s because it’s flickin freezing out but to say that the pleasant little “ding” didn’t make my heart stop would be a blatant lie.
So here I am at home in the comfiest robe ever drinking champagne out of a Guinness glass, because it’s been that kinda night, and damn it, because I can!
Pompeii: Questions remain
13 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Random Thoughts Tags: artifacts, displays, Museum of Science, Pompeii
Yesterday, Mom and I went to get some edumacation at the Museum of Science in Boston. After picking up my discounted pass at the library we were off. I was naively thinking that the discount pass would be the cheap way to see Pompeii frozen in time…I was wrong. Pompeii was extra, $21 extra ($11 for me and $10 for mom). [As an aside, I don't know how families can afford to go to the museum] So I guess my first question would be, why the heck is it so expensive?
The exhibit itself was fabulous yet disappointing. As long as you kept in mind that all of the artifacts had been rescued from under feet of pumice and ash, it was awe inspiring. The minute you forgot that fact, you were looking at a bunch of displays in glass cases that you have seen many times over. Perhaps as a museum goer in Boston I have been spoiled by amazing exhibits of the past (i.e. Tut), I won’t deny that as a possibility, but I was surprised by the excess of reproductions on display. From the resin casts to the reproductions of reliefs, the work was impeccable, but to me they cheapened the beauty of the real artifacts. The statues, ovens and gladiator helmet were my favorites. The plumbing examples were incredible and the fact that there was a wooden settee still around is mind-blowing. There were two movie rooms: one explained the way life was back then (urine was used to bleach clothes) and the other was a dramatized time lapse of the day Pompeii was buried. Both got As in my book. Far and away the absolute most touching/breathtaking/disturbing/eerie/gut-wrenching display were the 10 body casts. Words defy description of how a still statue can evoke such panic, horror, love and desperation. Altogether, would I go see it again, probably not, but I’m glad I saw it once.
For those of you who will go see it or have seen it, here are my remaining questions:
The marble table that was repaired-Did the restorers piece it together or was it fixed by a Pompeiian family that didn’t get to enjoy it? If it was restored during our time, did they use old-school methods or Liquid Nails?
After the explorers poured the plaster in to the cavities of bodies and it dried-Were the casts hollowed out to retrieve what I’m sure was a pile of bones at the bottom? How did they know that they were on/around a cavity to begin with?
The burial jar that “once contained” bones-Where did the bones go?
They had a lot of artifacts from one rich guy’s house-What’s his story? Is it even known?
The wood and bronze settee-Why didn’t you hint to how it could possibly have been preserved?
Was the old guy letting people touch the orchid pot from Pompeii? Because he was not born in the last 100 years
There was a poster sized description of how the weights used back then compared to today’s, but why didn’t the large display on business and money not have any conversions?
The rocks surrounding the body casts-Are we talking cases of Kingsford briquettes or real chunks of lava rock and pumice?
Phew..that was hard
10 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
So here we are again, up and running. Because I set up my domain haphazardly last year, this year resulted in an unintended $12 donation to google with no domain. But I did it right this time, well more right, and just sucked it up and did it all through wordpress. Let me tell you though, deciding on a domain name is like deciding on a kid’s name. You have to think of how it’s perceived, how it’s spelled, will it be memorable, will kids on the playground make fun of it? Of course every one I loved initially was taken by some anime artist or domain reseller. Almost every night before I went to sleep additional names popped in to my head and I would tell Siri to take a note so that I would remember them in the morning. Then finally last night my stream of consciousness led me to Weapons of Mass Distraction. Buuuut, it was taken and so was Mass Distraction. But damnit, the word play stuck with me so finally I decided on Mass Distractions. It makes sense really, I live in MA and this blog is a distraction for me and you. So Voila….and here we go again. But don’t think for one snarky second that this new domain will remove the sarcasm from my posts….. 
My $.02 on leggings
19 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Review Tags: clothes, leggings, trends
I’ve decided not to chime in on the leggings craze until now. I have patiently held my tongue, although if you know my opinion on jeggings
you can guess where this is about to go.
My theory is that those who wear leggings as pants are the socially acceptable versions of the little girls who would run around in their opaque tights holding their skirts up. Because let’s face it, leggings are one or two thread count away from being footless tights.
Where are my fireworks?
15 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Random Thoughts Tags: birthday, disapointments, dreams, wishes
So tomorrow is my birthday and to be honest I’m not too excited for it, not dreading it, just not excited. Thanks to romantic comedies and teen movies I have visions of grand surprises, flowers and smiles. Haven’t had them yet. Every year I expect a grand gesture, not because I think I deserve it but because it seems like thats what everyone else gets. Don’t get me wrong, I am so lucky that I have been alive and able to celebrate for 29 years. My parents have always been there to turn around any bad birthday even if I was a birthday brat when I was younger. I know they will never forget my birthday and that is something I will always be grateful for. This year is difficult because I have school stress, no income, a not so reliable car, no social life to speak of and I am working tomorrow. In comparison to the random person off the street I probably have it pretty good. I don’t go to bed hungry (heck, I have a bed), I can afford a cell phone and gas money, I have four legged confidants that always listen to my bellyaching and my parents who support my hopes, dreams and crazy schemes.
This entry isn’t to get pity birthday wishes or free Edible Arrangements and it’s not an insult to those who have been around on 9/16, it’s just an explanation of why I may not be giddy and beaming on the anniversary of my birth. So finally I made a conscious decision to not get my hopes up. Unfortunately my subconscious, always seems to have other plans. I know that tomorrow I will go to clinical and come home with just enough energy for dinner and dessert and then I will tuck myself in and wake up in another “year.” I also know that deep down I will expect fireworks and roses around every corner because damnit, I DO deserve it!!
Hurricane Irene: The Playlist
26 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Misc Tags: hurricane, hurricane music, hurricane playlist, irene, music, playlist, songs, storm playlist
To some a Hurricane may be a tasty summer drink. To others it may be a place to call home. To me it means a dog that will be as nervous as Porky at a pig roast. So while my dog is trying to crawl as far under anything as she can, I will need music to drown out her whining. Voila…playlist. So here are some songs to pass the time while your patio furniture goes for a dip in the pool:
“It’s Raining Men” – Weather Girls
“The Rain” – Missy Elliot
“Blame it on the Rain” – Milli Vanilli
“Rock You Like a Hurricane” – Scorpions
“Lightning Crashes” – Live
“Purple Rain” – Prince
“Don’t Turn Out the Lights Now” – New Kids on the Block
“The Thunder Rolls” – Garth Brooks
“The Storm” – Lenny Kravitz
“After the Storm” – Mumford and Sons
“When the Sun Comes Out” – Barbara Streisand
“Spirit in the Sky” – Norman Greenbaum
“Here Comes the Flood” – Peter Gabriel
“Pump It” – Black Eyed Peas
“Gonna be a Blackout Tonight” – Dropkick Murphys
“Tubthumping” – Chumbawumba
A word to the wise. If you wait to enjoy all of these videos until Irene crashes your party, with YOUR luck, your power will go out and you will be sitting in the dark singing nothing but the freecreditreport.com song because it’s stuck in your head and you have no way to enjoy other music. You know who you are…
My 2nd day at school: A horror story
16 Aug 2011 1 Comment
in Random Thoughts, Rants
A funny thing happened on the way to my Associates…
I could write a whole long story outlining the events of today, but I will spare you my rambling prose and will give you the ADD version
1. We were told to show up to orientation at 8AM
-No one told us there would be breakfast
-No one told us we would get our badge pictures taken
-No one told us where to go AFTER orientation
2. We return to the classroom after lunch break to meet the librarian (for the 2nd time today)
-We think the librarian is late and she thinks that we are late, because neither of us were told where to go.
3. You can’t park on campus, or anywhere else for that matter, including the public streets surrounding the hospital
-We are required to park at the old Malden Hospital and take a shuttle to school. My house to school is 1.7 miles, my house to Malden is 3.7. Did I mention that the school says they can ticket us for parking on neighborhood streets? I find that funny since the streets don’t require resident permits and my taxes pay for them…I can’t wait until they ticket me for parking on a PUBLIC street.
4. If by chance we are caught parking on the premises, we need to move our car to Malden and pay $25.
-AND we need a written note from the shuttle driver saying we parked off site. They are going to get much better than that from me. My “written note” will be my mother (oh yeah, I ‘m playing the mommy to school card) attesting to the fact that I parked my car at my HOME, less than 2 miles away.
5. We needed to complete an anatomy review packet. We were supposed to review it this afternoon
-The teacher didn’t have half of the sheets that we did and responded with “I’ll be damned.”
I couldn’t make this crap up!!!
My first day at school: A horror story
15 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
A funny thing happened on the way to my Associates…
I could write a whole long story outlining the events of today, but I will spare you my rambling prose and will give you the ADD version
1. Schedule said to show up at 8
-No staff was there
-No one answered the door
-When we finally got in to the classroom, we were told we should have been there at 9
2. We were told to show up in our “uniforms” (navy scrubs, sneakers)
-The 3 of us who actually did were told that street clothes would have been fine
3. You would think that a hospital owned facility would have lockable bathrooms
-You would also be wrong. We were instructed to always remember to slide the little sign on the door to “Occupied” and if possible, have a buddy stand outside
4. Being the only one with more than 2 years of community college under her belt, I tend to think I’m the smartest student there…seriously.
5. Regis College orientation is tomorrow, the school has yet to send me any information about my Stats class
6. On the schedule for the next 3 weeks there are items such as:
-”Meet with Librarian”-to teach us how to cite texts
-”Jeopardy”-”There won’t be questions about where Marco Polo traveled….like to the pool”
-Pot luck lunch
- ~6 hours on aseptic techniques (i.e. washing hands)
-We got a sneak preview: pull down paper towel, turn on water, wet hands, get hands soapy, sing the alphabet, use paper towel to dry, turn off water and pull door open. Pretty sure I don’t need 5 hours and 59 more minutes of instruction
-How to make a skeleton out of gimp (NOT a real item, but since everything else seemed camp-like, I wouldn’t be surprised if something similar existed)
7. The professor/director forgot where he placed his radiation monitor, on two separate occasions….within an hour (it was on his collar).
8. Our first unit was on communication: there is a sender, a channel and a receiver. All are affected by noise (aka distraction). The End.
9. We can’t wear perfume because the professor/director has emphysema
10. We learned the history of buffalo wings
11. Supposedly the program is drowning in grant money yet:
-We are in the basement of a nursing home. Our classroom is right off of the hallway they use to remove the residents who “permanently check out.”
-The “lunch facilities” include the Lawrence Memorial Hospital Cafeteria and 2 vending machines in a different building
-The fake skeleton has no head
-We are located right under the activities room for the blue hairs. Today must have been aerobics because Macarena was blasting! We were also warned that Tuesday is hair salon day so we will detect an odor of “permanent solutions.”
-Because we are in said nursing home, in order to get to our classroom you need to enter two codes on two different keypads in order to open one of the doors. If you don’t close it in 15 seconds, an alarm sounds. To get out of the same door, you have to press two red buttons simultaneously. I’m wondering if they had a problem with run away alzheimer’s patients or something….
12. 3 administration=3 professors
-professor/ clinical coordinator
-professor/ Director
-professor/ student services coordinator
None of the above were able to figure out how to turn the AC on.
13. Everyone in the class agreed that everything being said is being made up on the fly and that if nothing else it would be “interesting.”
I’m going to wait a few weeks before I declare a bait and switch. I was supposed to get training in radiography, but was fooled in to clown college or a cult.
Netflix + Teen Mom=Therapy bills
14 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment
in Rants Tags: DVD, MTV, netflix, netflix streaming, Teen Mom, teenage pregnancy, therapy
I am not going to touch why the producers of “16 and Pregnant” thought it was a fabulous idea to have a spin off called “Teen Mom”, so don’t go there. What I do know is that the spinoff’s spinoff will be something titled “32 and a Grandmother.”
When I was having my goodbye moment with streaming Netlflix this evening I saw that “Teen Mom” was a recent addition to TV Series. Really Netflix? Let’s be real, the only people that think that is a good idea are the stars of the show. Only when I say stars I mean chunks of skanky rocks hurling their way towards the harsh reality of the end of their 15th minute in the form of a maladaptive child. Phew, glad I decided to use “stars” instead.
In the grand scheme of things, the children should at least have to work at ruining their lives, but you are making it too easy. Instead of having to Google mommy and daddy’s names and search a bit, they can one-click their way in to therapy. Now I’m reaching here because there is a chance that they will not be able to get internet in the trailer they share with their chain-smoking, boyfriend-abusing moms, but by then I’m sure they won’t need the DVD. If the mom’s were smart, they would invest some of the money they are getting from their magazine spreads and promotions in a high-interest (like that might EVER exist anymore) savings account, so they won’t be bankrupt by the bills from their kids’ shrinks. After all, I guarantee that the new tattoos and boob jobs they are getting will definitely NOT have a high rate of return.
Of course, when the time comes, the ex-teen moms can spin it and tell their children that the DVDs are just fancy home movies of the end of their “fun lives” (i.e. partying lifestyles/one-night stands). In that case, thankfully the producers made a point to display a person’s name when they come on screen. Because if some of the mom’s keep living the way they’re going now, they might need a name tag to remember who be the baby daddy. Before you get all huffy, I know there MAY be a Teen Mom that could make something out of nothing (and I mean NOTHING), but I wouldn’t bet your last Pabst Blue Ribbon on it.
Too harsh? Nah
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